"I CAN... BUT I WON'T."

-- inspiration from a shirt. thanks to karen who made this line salient hahaha :P

right now,
i can feel damn stressed, but i wont. TMR'S FRIDAY!! XD
i can chat the whole night away on msn, but i wont.
i can continue to do my readings.. but i also wont :P freaking slpy!!

yes im gonna slp. i can.. and i will! :D


but before i end off, here're some addictions again :)

張惠妹 - 分生



once again, love her voice, and the meaningful lyrics :)

分裂前的热泪 分裂后的冷眼
越爱谁 越防备 像只脆弱的刺猬
分裂中的心碎 分裂后的假面
不快乐 不伤悲 情绪埋藏成了地雷 等待爆裂

come to think of it, the song quite psych leh. split-personality, or simply just the two very different sides of a person.. haha ok this is random :P

and here're another two rather different songs, that i've been crazy over for some time. XD

All Ends - Apologize (One Republic Cover)



All Ends - Pretty Words



woots cant wait to jam these two!! XD


a test on fb "revealed" that i hide my emotions.

well i wont totally dismiss that. not that there're ppl who dont ever hide their emotions but, i do think i have this talent or a knack for pushing those negative emotions and bothering thoughts to the very back of my head, and then reviewing them again when im done with more important tasks at hand. avoidance coping?

whatever. :)

before i dwell into the cycle of projects again, lemmi just do a quick recall of today's events :]


isabel.

blur us - ok i think it was really blur me =x forgot to check when our gv17 singing presentation was, so we didnt know if its this tues or next. prepared for it nvtheless by chionging 4hrs of prac ytd (think kbox but keep repeating one song lol). found out during lesson today that our presentation is actually next tues, but since one grp wasnt presenting today, we took over that slot and got it over and done with today instead.

really glad that one more thing's over! but the best part out of this was that, think we did quite a gd job! :D at least we're satisfied with our performance and it was quite similar to when we practised, so i guess that was quite a gd shot le yah? :)) cheers to karen and siping my dearest gv17 mates!!! XD really enjoyed practising isabel with u all~! i guess the only mementos of that were the videos featuring stupid and unglam acts by hmm-i-wonder-who but yah, its definitely the BEST project to work on EVER!!! duncha agreee~~?? :P kudos girls!! IL DIVA!!!!

lol. XD


skyler.

well. 4/5 of it lah at least :P yirun wasnt able to make it so was just welcome-back-devin, studious-tim, hueitai-the-boss, and "imh-nurse-wannabe"-me (devin i swear tt nickname doesnt hold true!) met up for dinner at this jap restaurant near city hall :) gd to catch up with these 3 "long-lost skyler ppl" cos really v long nv see them alr! haha. gd to know everyone's still quite gd. guess the next time we guys (and girl) meet up will be in dec when our indon mate (:P) comes back to sg again bah~~ meanwhile, jiayou for ur A levels, tim! lesser sian-ness from his fly-here-fly-there job for ht, and cherish ur slacking k devin. while it lasts!! :P haha. i'll try to survive another sem of uni too :) woots! ganpai to da survivors!


ok im sounding like a mad woman here haha. im not 0=) but i think im becoming one ha. back to projects.


im very, very near breaking point. sometimes i wish i dont know anything at all.


i awoke 1 hr ago from an 11-hr sleep... LOL. i cant believe i slept at 830pm ytd night! -.- was supposed to nap a bit cos i was soooo sleepy studying stats, but in the end, i slept all the way =/ im supposed to be damn 精神 now! but my sensitive nose was triggered sometime ard 4am so i had this mini flu for daamn long.. when it finally stopped, i slept back and when i awoke, i felt like i've wasted my prev hrs of slp on tt bout of flu cos i felt totally groggy after it -_- suckssss. it better not be a prelude to full-blown flu!! X(

but, luckily all tt sneezing woke me up, cos i didnt set my alarm for today =/ set it at 4am when i awoke so i can wake up in time to go sch later lol. if not... =x karen and siping will kill me hahaha.

anyhooo, volunteering over the weekends at asd booth was fun! :) glad to meet some new, nice ppl! especially this really cheery girl called su qi. we shared quite a bit abt our own experiences with animals and it reaaally made me miss the good ol' days with the animals at joyous vet. haha really brings back the animal-lover soul in me :))

and now, i cant wait for the next volunteering session! perhaps at the adoption and rescue center, where i can interact fully with the dogs! XD but guess tt'll hafta wait til dec bah.. this wkend can squeeze out time alr quite gd liao lols.

i guess the 2 plus years of going thru the hustle-and-bustle of uni life have really made me lose touch with the "animal" side of myslf. no time for this, no time for that, and when this continues long enough, u start to forget how much u liked that last time, or maybe even how much u wanted to do sth.

:) im really glad i signed up for asd volunteering! more fulfilling experiences coming up~ XD


why must u always be the one to spoil a what was supposed to be happy day?

havent met euflomba ppl for quite some time and i really enjoyed their company before, during and after the concert. at least it was time well spent, albeit not on studies. u just gotta come back and dampen a big half of my happy mood, huh?

i dont think what im feeling now is even anger. im tired of getting angry and pissed at u. why shld i waste my happiness seconds fuming over what u've done and said when they're the same everytime??

everytime we argue, its cos of money. then u'll start linking that somehow to my very bad upbringing, and wonder how mom taught me. oh of cos u wouldnt know that, becos u're not a very big part of my upbringing isnt it? u wouldnt know im feeling horrible even if i looked u straight in the eye. u wouldnt know im feeling disappointed at u, that im hurt by ur words, becos the only reason u see for my "bad behavior" is that im just a bad daughter. someone not worth very much, someone who behaves badly becos "that's her nature". of course u'll think that way, becos u nv get to see the "good behaviors". u know nothing abt me. i think that's the only thing u know.

and the same thing repeats every time. and im always reinforced more strongly than before that i cant wait for financial independence so i dont need to rely on u and have my basic survival needs be threatened by u. everytime u use that threat, i really wish i could just rebel and say "i dont need ur money." but i cant, becos i do.



maybe u're the reason why i dont wanna rely on other people. maybe u're the reason for my independence, for the ambivalent views towards trusting men to give me security, to give me what i need, towards believing that men are reliable.

i nv really had a father to fall back on when i had financial problems on my side. i dont think i ever will, anwyway. i always had to depend on myself. im too used to it. and u bet im gonna give all that that u didnt give to my own family next time.


i keep blogging. here, there, everywhere.

maybe its the "emo" hour. but fyi, im nottt emo. just... mellow? melancholic? feeling nothing?? anything. just, not emo.

i realised i grew distant with many ppl recently, and i dont really like this. maybe its really the sch work, but how many excuses can i make up with that huh?

i miss the (rather)carefree jc days. allll over again. i miss the times u get to meet ur classmates everyday, have happy, stress-free, out-of-academia chats with ur favourite friends, going out for a long lunch after school, reaching home and still having time to take a short nap before u do ur homework and then catch the 9pm show at night.

nowadays, almost every word in conversations is abt work, stress, deadlines, professors...

im getting sick of this lifeless-life. how i wish i can choose "relinquish" over "problem-focused coping" in tackling the stuff im handling now. i want my social life to be rich and vibrant again. i want to love while i can, while the people i love are still around me. i wanna still have enough energy at the end of the day to concentrate on the pastimes i love the most.

i once told myself i wont let myself be the kind who spend every second of the day harping on work, completing work, talking abt work, preparing for the next day's work.. becos that totally takes the "life" out of life and such a life just isnt worth living for. i dont wanna die a person who has completed nothing but her work at the end of the day. and what am i now? exactly the person i said i wldnt be.

sigh. what can i say?



welcome to singapore lorr.




come on god. give me a change.

(NOT in terms of loose change as in money, just in case u're thinking in lame terms.)


quite a lot of stuff happening considering just a few days have passed! mini movie marathon and towning with ahdear on our special monday [ :))) ], consultation for my indiv project [finally a BIT of progress and more direction~], towning with peiwen supposedly to use this voucher but didnt cos "not applicable" lols, towning again tonight to get bday presents, and many, many more "unreported" stories haha :P

yup so its been lotsa town-ing this wk and lotsa complimentary slacking too :P but its ok! i love having "tiny" breaks from nv-ending projects and tutorials :P so sorry if i take so long to reply u on msn and finally say "im doing my proj". they are very continual and my life -ok. my grades - depend on them so i have no choice :( but it feels great to breathe in town air! :D didnt buy anything for myself though. sadlyyyy haha. ohwells. gd to save up! my acct's draining out from all the bday pressies alreadyyyy X(

ok i feel pretty drained from the whole day too, from all the "huh do u understand wad he's talking abt..?" stats lect to a super bombarding stats tut to gv17 rehearsal to walking ard town. shld rest more before i chiong my studies again tmr huh?



ha yes. even i am sick of myself blogging abt school work and more school work. super no life now can! and i totally hate it. i cant wait to jam those metal-ish english songs, gather all my energy and concentration for gig songs, practise my flute, go shopping even though i have no money... OH YAHHH me and pw saw this blouse at guess and it was DAMN NICE!!! rahhhhhh. why must it be from guess :( im so afraid of falling in love with its merchandise mannn. super expensive.. but the designs are so nice!! XD haa. mummy pls strike 4D soon ok?? :D

ok lah. shld slp soon for a better tmr~~ goodo nighto!




so i’m trying pretty hard to be perfect. perhaps perfect is too strong; mindful, considerate, eager to please, call it what you will.

don’t text too much because it comes across as desperate. never send two texts in a row for the same reason. no facebook chat every time he logs on, ‘cause that’s desperate too, as is ‘Liking’ everything he posts, so don’t do that either. remember not to ask when we’re seeing each other next because nonchalance is key, right? don’t sound to eager when he suggests doing something in the future, remember, nonchalance. when you’re out with other people, don’t demand his attention, he’s not there just for you. and don’t make an issue of him making friends with new girls, that’s asking for trouble, you don’t want to look jealous and insecure. when he wants to go to sleep before you do, don’t latch onto him because you’ll seem weak, needy, intense.

all these crazy rules i’ve made up in my head so you don’t see past this facade. i’m not nonchalant, i over-think everything. i can be intense, and i’m definitely jealous at times. but in essence, at the crux of all this overanalysation; i am insanely in love with you. i just wish you knew how far away i am from nonchalance.

-tseluyu.

leloveimage.blogspot.com


shall blog a bit while waiting for breakfast with weijie! :)

can i say sth random? ITS MID OCTOBER ALREADY!!! zomg zomg. SO FAST! just when i thought aiyahh october just arrived.. -___- the calendar obviously told me otherwise. haix. this sem is seriously passing exceptionally fast mann :(

got back 307 midterms results ytd and before tt, we had our super-duper-chui-ded presentation T^T think its really my worse ppt in my 3 years lor... rahhhh. and i got a "souvenir" along with it. was adjusting the projector settings and accidentally hit my elbow on the edge of the whiteboard's piece of metal used for putting duster and its DAMN PAINFUL >=( best part? its STILL hurting. grrrr. daren was jokingly saying its gonna be painful for a few more days so i wont be forgetting our chui 307 ppt for some time wahahah~~ -.- sad but i think its true. haix pain pain go away~~ and dont come again another day.

but ohwells. its over aint it? no point crying over spilt milk. i'll try to get full marks for my finals then!! hahahaha ok tts super unrealistic. gotta work damn hard for finals to make up for this what, 25%?? :( doesnt help to find out just ytd that my nie band module "exam" is in 3 weeks' time!! and i have SO MUCH to complete within this 3 wks u know??? plus the pieces he told us to prepare for are super not easy.. >=( rawrrrrrr. as if i dont have enough worries on my mind...

403 indiv project, stats project, gv17 (i have NO idea how we're gonna squeeze in time to practise), nie band, EXAM REVISION..... kaoz all in the same period. can someone slap the professors?? hai. i duno how im gonna manage jammings and gig preparation on top of all these mann.. :(


ok lah not very healthy to emo early in the morning right? lol. k lah. two things to look fwd to today! :D jamming amaranth later!!! XD and i'll be catching a movie with mommy dearest after that! :D (yes if not she'll complain that i dont have time for her :P) haha. damn long nv watch movie. on weekend somemore X( hope the movie'll be gd! :))


some reflections on the "self":

1. i'm a huuuuuuuuge procrastinator.

- i blog when im supposed to be doing my readings.
- i can convince myself to continue happily chatting on msn when my projects are literally screaming at me for completion.
- i spend two hours every night doing something that contributes nothing to getting good grades for my finals - TV.
- i watch lame videos on youtube to "kill time" when der's already no time left to kill!!
- i am still blogging.

2. i resisted the temptation to grab the latest copy of CLEO today. applause!

3. i confused my professor =/

4. i take daaamn long to understand statistics.

5. speaking of which, i wanna thank god - any god - who blinded ringo from my mistakes, and helped me pass my stats midterms :) amitabha, amen, aloha, gam sia, hallelujah. whichever language u prefer :)

6. i need to break the habit of taking afternoon naps cos i still feel slpy at nite even with naps so, whats the point??

7. i realised my lurve for magnum ice cream only when i lost it :( had a craving last night and i was damn happy to remember i kept a magnum ice cream in my fridge for "rainy days". then i was completely devastated to find out that my mom ate it!! :(((

8. i secretly wanna go on a shopping spree and finish off the few hundred bucks im left with on clothes and heels :D

9. i cant.

10. i really cant.

11. I SHOULD STUDY.

12. NOW.


sheesh. i just got scolded by BOTH my parents for telling them i have no time to see the doc. but its true isnt it??? cant they just understand tt i have TONNES of work to finish and its not my choice to wake up at 7am tmr to go to sch?? "why must u wake up at 7am?" "where got ppl so busy like u one" take a look at ntu dad. E-VE-RY-ONE is like that. go ask around see which year 3 is enjoying life loh. if u find one i give u one dollar >=(

what i have is just A NORMAL FLU. parents are sooo fond of making mountains out of mole hills. tsk.


yirun just showed me this. freaking funny!!




initially i found it funny not cos i understand (in fact i dont understand a single word of teochew at all, although im teochew), but cos the music was kinda lame and ah nan just has this FACE hahahaha. den yirun translated for me.


he's saying the ointment is sth like "not scared ointment"

"doesnt matter if it's mosquito kiss, fly bite, butterfly bua, touched by tiger, kids at night sleep kena scared by ghost, old ppl cross the road scared by the car, 4-d open the numbers but nv buy."


HAHAHA like wth!!! nv win 4D u put ointment for what??????

damn lame! hahahaha.


okok i must blog this down before the day ends!!

happy birthday peiwen!!!!! :D

heee hope u enjoyed the 21st mini celebration tonight! :D pls love the present too (:P) and may u have lots more memorable celebrations with ur friends in the upcoming days! :D woohoooo another 21~~~~



ha. i seriously feel the pressure now. how am i gonna celebrate mine??? >.<


honestly speaking, i have no idea. but i really dun feel like caring abt tt for now cos i haf WAY too many other things that need my almost-immediate attention. yeah the same old projects, readings, blah blah blah. the best part? one more project coming up! 3 cheers for us!!


sigh.

friday's chalet, sat's town-ing, sunday's slacking, and today's bday celebration have TOTALLY broken my momentum of studying =/ kinda explains why im blogging so much huh? haaa. no gd to enjoy so much during sch term... but then again, nv destress in the midst of studying REALLY WILL DIE. crapzzz.

well anyhoo, photos from just now! :)


the lovely chocolate cake before it became a darts board.. lol. (yes the candles were "thrown" into the cake)


the pseudo-birthday-boys~ lol





the pretty girl who just turned 21! :D


:))


and hmm its really kinda true that the photos look like they're taken using a 5mp cam hor?? knssss. 对不起 my 12.2mp cam!!!! :( i will read the manual soon and use ur functions to their fullest!! hahaha :P

ok lah thats all for now. must continue with my stuff le . wooo!


im currently, 半醉半清醒? haha i duno.

headed to chevrons for kent's birthday celebration after nie band ytd night, and stayed over in the end. was supposed to go home early around 2am so that i can awake early enough to go for band the next morning, but games, drinks, and most imptly, FRIENDS, won me over :P in fact, we just played the whole night away and didnt "slp" until it was near 7+am, when we're supposed to prepare for check out =/ its been real long since i ton-ed the whole night out, and i wont deny im totally shagged. but there's this, shiokness to it hahahaha :P too much is unhealthy though. but i really enjoyed laughing the entire night away with jj gang! :D ok not the whole night lah.. there were some points where we're not supposed to laugh cos of some stupid rule ppl set... lol. memories of kent's bday celebration~~ XD

and amazingly, it seems like my flu and sore throat're kinda gone after ytd's huge dose of alcohol. does 以毒攻毒 really work??? haha we shall see :P

a lil guilty abt staying out last nite though, cos mom's sick :( so many ppl falling sick recently mann.... must be the weather!! haha. pls eat more vit c my dear frens~~ :)

ok enough of blogging. shall catch some more slp before heading to another bday celebration later lol. but first, lunch!! :D


finally, an evening in which i dont feel so stressed. its still there, but its not intense :) at least hp403 presentation 2 is over! :D

i guess my head just needs the pillow more. have been chionging since sch resumed on mon. for the projects, for the projects, and for the projects. i admit im quite a pig at times -- i need a lot of slp. but then again, (according to bio psy textbook) pigs and humans have the same average no. of slping hrs so actually, im just human :))

yah like wad am i talking haha. nevertheless, felt really gd to have my long-awaited nap when i came back from sch just now. but it sucks that my pending sore throat is still pending and not gone. i better not fall sick now!! we were told today that we'll be starting stats proj soon :((((( cant imagine chionging proj when im sick mann. hurrrrrrrrrrrrr someone gimme the form to dismiss myself from sch pls...

haix.

gd thing for bf therapy ytd :) its been real long since we spent our Wednesday tgt cos sch's sapping both our time and energies away :( sad tt we cant spend more time tgt, so every meet-up is really precious!! yes they're all very treasured, even those tt included bf nearly bishh-ing me when i give stupid answers like saying "有钱花!" when he asked me what flowers i like loll. i cant wait for sat~~~ :)

:)) so glad i haf lotsa cheery ppl ard me who lift my mood by tonnes! wld've been totally 'fml' if its not for them lol. thank u ppl!! for being one of the most impt reasons i pull myself out of bed to go to sch everyday, and for just making me laugh when i needed that the most :D

ok i shld slp early. 12am!! XD




from The Phantom of the Opera - Think of Me



Think of me, think of me fondly,
when we've said goodbye.
Remember me once in a while -
please promise me you'll try.
When you find that, once again, you long
to take your heart back and be free -
if you ever find a moment,
spare a thought for me

We never said our love was evergreen,
or as unchanging as the sea -
but if you can still remember
stop and think of me . . .

Think of all the things
we've shared and seen -
don't think about the things
which might have been . . .

Think of me, think of me waking,
silent and resigned.
Imagine me, trying too hard
to put you from my mind.
Recall those days
look back on all those times,
think of the things we'll never do -
there will never be a day,
when I won't think of you . . .

RAOUL:
Can it be? Can it be Christine?
Bravo!
Long ago, it seems so long ago
How young and innocent we were...
She may not remember me,
but I remember her...


Flowers fades, the fruits of summer fade,
They have their seasons, so do we
but please promise me, that sometimes
you will think of me


beautiful voice and lyrics :)) makes me miss the movie so so much! i wonder if i'll ever watch the musical haha :P

OKOK IM DOING MY PROJECT.


it seems so long since we last had gv17 class =/ and we just found out today that we gotta confirm which song we're gonna do for our next presentation by next week, which means trying out the songs and confirming the key and all by this wk.. rahhhh!! another item added on my to-do list... *pukes*

had the impulse to buy flowers for mommy dearest so i headed to jp after sch. needed to buy a few other necessities anw. and i think the act of getting things for ppl is quite a mood enhancer for me! lol. esp when u know its sth the person definitely will like :D but this doesnt mean i volunteer to be everyone and anyone's santa claus :P if im really loaded, though, i wouldnt mind showering ppl with gifts every now and then. but so sorry, xinyi's world is always undergoing recession so, i can only give sparingly :] alternatively, u can help me pray i strike lottery soon! :D

haha anyways, was on the bus home from mrt and there was also this pretty young mother who boarded, along with a few bags in her arms and her slping daughter in a pram. seeing her like this, made me think, or rather reminded me, that mothers are really noble, and that being a mother honestly isnt easy at all. there will always be days where u gotta travel alone with ur baby, and u just gotta bring along all the baby stuffs and the pram and ur own bag and hold the few other stuffs u bought along the way. its not easy juggling all the many things in ur hands, esp when u're boarding a vehicle and there's no one there to help u hold ur child/bags while u tap ur ez-link card, put down ur stuff, and take a seat. gd thing there're always nice people around who'd automatically help such mothers :) but still, its really not easy, and a very energy-draining "full-time job" too.

which made me think of how difficult it also was for my mom when i was a young child. it probably was for ur mom too! so lets all just appreciate them a little more :)

im so glad i got the flowers for my mom :))



if only im as cute as her.. HAHA ok :P enough of slacking. back to work.


fuck mann. someone inject "un-sleepiness" and "un-hungriness" in me so i STOP wasting time slping and eating when they do NOTHING for all the blardy projects and music stuff and whatnot i gotta settle. RAWR!!!!!

freaking stressed up period. prolonged pms. dont irritate me!!


epic day cos it was my first time COMPLETELY FORGETTING a dinner appt. and with my dearest ntmb girls tooo!! >.< really very very sorry!!!!

hurr and i was still nwah-ing at home, telling myself its once again been very long since i spent the whole day at home slacking and taking naps whenever i want =/ "gd thing" i've alr woken up and bathed when ahbond called me and asked me where i was, only to hear a " .. OMG I TOTALLY FORGOT!!!" reply from me =x managed to rush down and meet them for 20mins before leaving for jamming.. but oh mann im really so sorry!!! i promise i'll organise another meet up soon!! :]

and, it was the day i got my first proper camera!!!! XD they decided to give me my 21st present in advance - well, super advanced! haha. and yes simin it is my first 21st bday present! i duno who else will give me so early laa lols :P thank you all so much!!!! its the best birthday gift ever! XD i know queuing and waiting at the IT fair is crazy, and i really appreciate ur efforts for putting up with that just to get me a present i'll definitely like and use! :))) dont worry, i wont leave it in one corner to collect dust. u can trust me on tt ;) look forward to the many photos im gonna take using it! XD lols. thank you thank youuu!!!

and tt makes me even more guilty for being 1.5hr late for dinner ytd =x ahhhh okok i will organise meet up very soon!!!

and now, time to rush my projects again. rahhh!! >.<


girls' night out was fun! :))

place was a little too crowded, but nevertheless, music was good, drinks were not bad, and company was one of the best.

c'mon dearest girls we gotta have more of that ;) lols.


its been a totally FAT-FILLING day spent with psy girls! XD haha. met karen and elsa in sch at noon to do our project, but not before "taking a break", eating and chatting away at can B :P headed down to bugis in the evening to meet jingxiu and siping, and had our highly anticipated steamboat-changed-to-buffet dinner! :D

apparently the $15 steamboat increased its price to $18, which was similar to this korean buffet restaurant we walked past ($19.90++ eat all u can!), so we decided to have the buffet instead. gd thing we did! cos it was quite gd and SUPER filling! :P even better when the company's superb~ :D

did so many stupid things during dinner laa. wad with elsa imitating how taiwanese give the "好好吃哦!!!!" expressions when they try food, demonstrating how to cook and eat bibimbab, and how they kept describing everything in... orgasmic terms lol. tsk tsk. US exchange really "opened up" their mindsets a lot huh HAHA :P

went to walk walk a bit at bugis junction in search of my slippers/sandals but to no avail~~ haix. but i eyed quite a few heels! :P hahaha. cant ever take my eyes off those sky high footwear. oh mannn. reminds me tt its been damn long since i went out properly. rahhh i wanna wear nice dresses, i wanna wear high heels, i wanna don on accessories, i wanna buy pretty makeup, i wanna be beautiful!!!

LOL ok sorry. tts wad u get when u lock a girl up too long. no shopping makes xinyi a very sad girl :(

anywayyyy, had lotsa fun trying out different heels, different hats, halloween masks, taking photos with colorful bell peppers, proposing with broccoli.... hahhaah. the stupid things tt we do. no wonder we're PSYCHOlogy majors :P but its ok. im lovin it! XD

and i totally enjoyed my day out today :)) thank you girls!!!! we havent gone our properly for very long le, but still glad we can all still crap tgt and connect so well! :D and although u all have this stupid new AX Club (not armani exchange. anti-xinyi club -.- knssss), i know u all still love me~~~~ hahahahaahah :P cant imagine uni days without this bunch around to lift my moods and keep me going! XD we gotta have more outings mann ;) go siping, i choose u! organise more pls! :P:P