i suddenly feel that, i really want to give my mother a good life in future.

she recently got hospitalised for an acute onset of pneumonia... maybe the anxiety and worry made me wake up a little more. because i know that i do care for her, even though there are so many things that im very unhappy about.. at the end of the day, the mother-child bond is there whether you like it or not, want it or not.. it seems that no matter how much i feel and also say that i dislike her, that bond remains and comes to my consciousness when events occur...

as i packed her stuff to bring to the hospital, i realised the little things at home that i never saw. some clothes hung behind the door can be so dusty.. it's like they were left there for really many years. usually the first thought that comes to my mind is a hateful one.. those related to my mom being lazy, not cleaning up her own space... but yesterday, my first thought was sympathy.

as i searched through her wardrobe for shirts and pants, i saw that she's been wearing the same clothes since many years ago... the thought that came to my mind was simply that she's really been scrimping and not spending for herself to bring me up so that i can be who i am today. a relatively well grown up, working adult, who completed her tertiary education, and someone who is... normal. after meeting so many ppl and the experience i've gained so far, i've come to know that being able to grow up to be a "normal" adult isn't easy at all. and yes, i am thankful that im blessed enough to be able to grow up normal. and im able to, because of her efforts and hard work the past 25 years. it was really difficult for her, as a single parent in her generation. there is discrimination and no one was willing to help her. she had to pull through years all on her own before i could become more independent.

as i searched through the clothes, i also felt very strongly about my mother's health. she's not young anymore. her weight isn't ideal. that puts her at risk of problems. and seeing her having to go through so much pain and suffering at the hospital, my heart really breaks. her fingers have to be pierced a few times everyday for blood glucose testing, so much that there're some faint scars on her fingertips, she has to eat 8-10 huge tablets a few times each day, a catheter has to be inserted at her wrist for the drip, and yes, its that kinda big needles that no one likes, and she has the oxygen tube in which just looks very uncomfortable too. seeing all these on her really makes me feel the pain too. i wish for her suffering to stop, for her to be well. it hurts me to hear her cough so badly, and having so much difficulty getting up and then sitting back into a good position because of her weight, vomitting and having diarrhoea a few times a day, having little appetite... it's horrible. god, pls let her get well soon. please.. if it's not for stupid court tomorrow, i would've taken the past two days off for her and all until she's well. i wish i could stay with her side 24hrs. i know how lonely it is to be in a hospital ward all by urself. i really hope to be able to be by her side. even if we dont talk, at least she has my company..

i came home to an empty house, and all the thoughts came back again. her wardrobe isnt big, she doesnt have much space for herself and her drawers are all crammed up because she doesnt have space... and here i am, hogging up three cupboard spaces for myself, enjoying the luxurious non-crammed spaces for my dresses and clothes. i feel so ashamed of myself..

i really want to give my mom a good life next time. where she will live comfortably in a nice place, have enough personal space, and be able to enjoy the next 1/3 of her life. i want to be able to give a good level of care for her, so that even if she loses that ability to do so for herself one day, she can still lead a relatively well life.