i suddenly feel that, i really want to give my mother a good life in future.

she recently got hospitalised for an acute onset of pneumonia... maybe the anxiety and worry made me wake up a little more. because i know that i do care for her, even though there are so many things that im very unhappy about.. at the end of the day, the mother-child bond is there whether you like it or not, want it or not.. it seems that no matter how much i feel and also say that i dislike her, that bond remains and comes to my consciousness when events occur...

as i packed her stuff to bring to the hospital, i realised the little things at home that i never saw. some clothes hung behind the door can be so dusty.. it's like they were left there for really many years. usually the first thought that comes to my mind is a hateful one.. those related to my mom being lazy, not cleaning up her own space... but yesterday, my first thought was sympathy.

as i searched through her wardrobe for shirts and pants, i saw that she's been wearing the same clothes since many years ago... the thought that came to my mind was simply that she's really been scrimping and not spending for herself to bring me up so that i can be who i am today. a relatively well grown up, working adult, who completed her tertiary education, and someone who is... normal. after meeting so many ppl and the experience i've gained so far, i've come to know that being able to grow up to be a "normal" adult isn't easy at all. and yes, i am thankful that im blessed enough to be able to grow up normal. and im able to, because of her efforts and hard work the past 25 years. it was really difficult for her, as a single parent in her generation. there is discrimination and no one was willing to help her. she had to pull through years all on her own before i could become more independent.

as i searched through the clothes, i also felt very strongly about my mother's health. she's not young anymore. her weight isn't ideal. that puts her at risk of problems. and seeing her having to go through so much pain and suffering at the hospital, my heart really breaks. her fingers have to be pierced a few times everyday for blood glucose testing, so much that there're some faint scars on her fingertips, she has to eat 8-10 huge tablets a few times each day, a catheter has to be inserted at her wrist for the drip, and yes, its that kinda big needles that no one likes, and she has the oxygen tube in which just looks very uncomfortable too. seeing all these on her really makes me feel the pain too. i wish for her suffering to stop, for her to be well. it hurts me to hear her cough so badly, and having so much difficulty getting up and then sitting back into a good position because of her weight, vomitting and having diarrhoea a few times a day, having little appetite... it's horrible. god, pls let her get well soon. please.. if it's not for stupid court tomorrow, i would've taken the past two days off for her and all until she's well. i wish i could stay with her side 24hrs. i know how lonely it is to be in a hospital ward all by urself. i really hope to be able to be by her side. even if we dont talk, at least she has my company..

i came home to an empty house, and all the thoughts came back again. her wardrobe isnt big, she doesnt have much space for herself and her drawers are all crammed up because she doesnt have space... and here i am, hogging up three cupboard spaces for myself, enjoying the luxurious non-crammed spaces for my dresses and clothes. i feel so ashamed of myself..

i really want to give my mom a good life next time. where she will live comfortably in a nice place, have enough personal space, and be able to enjoy the next 1/3 of her life. i want to be able to give a good level of care for her, so that even if she loses that ability to do so for herself one day, she can still lead a relatively well life.



Sometimes I really wish u can tell me what I want to hear.


its been a long while, blog :)

things happened, things passed, i got my final semester's results, did well, graduated, went through jittery job interviews, and am finally into my 3rd week of work :)

super quick summary, yes. lotsa details in btwn events, some happy, mostly not really, and i dont really wanna remember them again so lets just forget it.

really happy that i got to graduate with my dear :) its something that we get to share again, and we went through the process of job search and employment together too, shared experiences that we both appreciate :)

and im thankful to be working with 3 other psych coursemates too! at least i have company right from the start :) social support is so important. working life would be so lonely without them!

work has been good so far. am enjoying it and still learning lotsa interesting stuff. much more for me to learn though! hopefully will absorb enough before im assigned my first case :)


yup guess thats all for now. after so many things that happened, i really wanna learn to remind myself of the happy things that happened each day. i dont wanna dwell on unhappy things. :)

for today, i got to observe another school visit and got news from my senior that i'll be able to observe court tmr :) another welfare task assigned for me on sat, and im looking forward to that too. cant wait to experience so much more :)


u're supposed to be made of stronger stuff. not sitting here crying like some piece of shit over stupid things.


:(

i just hate being unhappy at least once every single day.

and it just sucks even more to be unhappy on top of being worried. so worried for the first time, that what im worried abt might just become real.

but then again maybe im not worried.

im scared.
fucking, scared. ok?
:'(



i wish u nv said such things to make me think like this. im scared like hell and im sure no one really knows how it really feels like to have someone close say this to u and bring this fear to u all of a sudden.


im scared abt things becoming real, about my worries becoming real.
does anyone understand?
no.
i know we can pray and hope that things will be ok, like always.
but it doesnt take the fear away. im still scared.


there can be a hundred things we've quarreled over, and another thousand things that i said i dislike abt them.
but i would never, never, want to lose anyone to anything.



when this fear comes to u, and it seems this close to becoming real, u will understand how this feels.


Don’t start your day with the broken pieces of yesterday. Everyday is new day. Each day is a new beginning! Every morning we wake up is the first day of the rest of our life. Be thankful.

- Danny Millers




had an impulse to do another manicure ytd so i went ahead for another session although i just did one last wk >.< bought this coupon some time ago and its a salon i've nv tried before so just thought i'll try it out. discounted but still a bit waste money but but, i wont be able to do funky stuff to my nails next time when i start work!! :((( so yah i thk i better do whatever i like now hahahahahah :P

the colour din turn out the way i had previously visualised them to be so, i wldnt say im 100% satisfied with the result. but it was okay i guess.. love will grow btwn us de~~ hahaha.

that said, i dont thk i'll go back again cos i thought customer service from that place could've been MUCH better. >=( here's why.


1. an ADITIONAL $5 charge for doing alternate colours!! *its usually no additional charges at the other salons i patronised* hello, the same amt of nail polish is used can?
(but i complied anyway cos i really wanted pink and gold. too overriden by impulses. tsk.)

2. NEVER think tt u're so awesome with ur skills that u can trim ppl's skin even if u look away at some distraction for a while.

3. the result? she trimmed too much skin around 2 of my nails and der was kinda a small cut on each of them, and it stings too.

4. when u've caused "damage", PLS DONT DENY IT.


me: erm, its a bit painful here and i thk its bleeding..
her: *takes brief look* no lah its just red lah where got blood. 你不要吓我 leh.


mm isnt it more like [你] 不要吓我 instead??? its my finger, no? and anw it isnt supposed to be even red too.

(turns out it was really a cut and there WAS blood cos i could wash that bit of stain away after that. first time having myself paying for a cut at a manicure. naise.)

5. lastly, never tell a customer that she's weird.


>=(

i want alternate colours very weird meh???
HMPFF.


some other little-r things that i wasnt v happy abt but, shant get tooooo whiny so here're just the stuff that got me more.. dissatisfied.

not going back there again :)

***



met peiwen for kungfu panda 2 at cck after that!! yayyy happy happy to meet my saisai again! :D had a nice time catching up before and after the movie and i thought the movie was pretty gd too! its still as retardedly funny as ever hahahahaha. my favourite! XD

so many other movies that i wanna catch. haix. pok alreadyy!!


oh mann im just stoning around.


im tired, but somehow im just stubbornly staying awake and duno for what also cos im not doing very meaningful things. its like during study time, u complain and complain abt how u wanna rest but cant. den once holiday sets in, u can rest all u want but u just dont wanna "waste time" slping so u continue torturing ur body. why ar?

im so guilty of that >.<


right. i have this whole list of stuff i wanna do in my hols. i shall start checking off the list tmr.

and my table isnt packed yet even after exams have ended for so long =x

ahhhh!!!

i will do it tmr too.


the happy things that made my day:

#1 not-bad interview at mcys! i really really hope i'll get thru this round as well :)

#2 met my dear boy after my interview! he has an event in the evening but came over earlier specially to accompany me :))) so nice hehe.

#3 compliments. they do make people's day sometimes :P

#4 DONUTS!!! somehow i had a sudden craving for them after my interview ended. went to novena sqare BUT DONUT FACTORY WAS GONE so i was super duper DUPER sad :((( tried my luck at neighbouring Square 2 instead and IM SO HAPPY THEY HAVE DONUT FACTORY THERE!!! so i bought 3 :D *nom nom*

(no i dont care if i explode from the sugar and calories)

#5 received a postcard from joyce!!!! heeee super happy to receive sth that a fren sent from afar~~ its a small but heartwarming gift to me :) and i of course appreciate it tons!! makes my day too :)